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came by, including the Gorawlskis. Many kids cried openly. Dozens of teachers and staff also visited, as did several of Calvin's colleagues and people they barely knew. Beverly Otis and her nephew Scott paid respects. Beverly embraced Calvin and cried against his shoulder. Dennis Waite shook his hand and expressed his condolences. It was later Calvin remembered him from the Patriot Chronicle and how over the last few days he had meant to contact him. |
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In the forty-eight hours since it happened, Terry tortured herself with blame. She should never have let him go out while he was on medication. She knew that the lithium caused drowsiness. He had probably grown tired halfway through his walk and headed to the tree house for a nap. She should have guessed he'd go in there. He loved the woods. She should have known. She should have remembered the kerosene lamp and gotten it out of there a long time ago. One of the fire officials investigating the accident said that he had probably knocked it over in his sleep. |
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But a darker possibility had wormed its way into her mind: that he had done it on purpose because he could no longer endure the agony of his affliction. The thought that he had committed suicide was nearly unbearable for her. But no less so than the realization that she could have prevented it. |
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In the days following Matty's death, she did not eat or talk. |
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The only relief from the curse of consciousness was whatever Mitch Tojian gave her to swallow. Even then, her sleep was fitful as the sedative wore off. Calvin helped her dress for the funeral. When she wasn't lost in wracking sobs, she just stared through red sunken eyes at the wall. She craved sleep so desperately that Calvin was afraid she would take her own life. So was Mitch, who left tabs of tranquilizers with Calvin to dole out. |
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Terry's mind was a fugue of agony and disbelief. On a few occasions Calvin would discover her suddenly buoyed up by denial and jabbering broken thoughts about Matty getting his Greek report done and having to enroll him in summer camp and whether the Devil Dogs would make the playoffs. The night before the funeral she had a dream that Matty had come to her bed as he sometimes did, crawled in with her and slept by her side. The dream had been so real that it had preempted the reality of his death. |
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And then she woke that morning only to lose him again. |
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